I need your help!
Ok. So I'm in this Creative Writing class this term. We had to write two poems, which were each critiqued by our classmates. This coming week I have to submit one of the poems, completely revised, with a lengthy paper outlining my revision process.
So, this is all well and good however the critique group I got put with, well...to put it nicely, sucked. They had very little input and it was so frustrating since I need some people with brains to read the poem and tell me their insights. Also the prof told us she's not giving any comments this time. What am I paying her for? Anyways, I know you are all so intelligent, so can you do me a huge favour? If you happen to stop by and read my poem feel free to give me some feedback! Just let me know what you liked, what you didn't like, what you understood, what you thought it was about, what you would change...and anything you'd like to tell me. :) I'd be so thrilled. I'll write a real blog soon!
Undertow:
What her sisters and mother said.
It started out beautiful,
natural as the sea.
He pursued her with tidal-persistence,
insistent.
Her sea-glass heart,
deep green and cobalt blue,
was worn down by his waves, but
still, she had oceans of hope
and bottlenose dreams.
With a gentle tug to sea
She went with him,
his Atlantic assurances and
Pacific whispers.
She was carried freely,
a piece of driftwood.
With a billow and surge of excitement
she risked the undertow,
the rolling,
the swell.
A touch of sea sickness and a sense of danger.
The taste of salty tears
on sun burnt cheeks.
Who could fathom it?
It ended in the rip tide and the
roar of the breaker.
Crashing.
Plunging.
She was swallowing words,
choking on pain, and
losing breath,
being pulled.
The grasping
ebb tide,
tearing, numbing,
screaming sea.
The abyssal.
We tried!
She was too far out,
too far down.
Our voices
drowned.
posted by Maria Elyse at 1:52 AM
7 Comments:
I like the part about Driftwood. It reminds me of Josh; he lives on Driftwood. :)
9:52 AM
Alright Maria: Nice Poem!
I have two interpretations of your poem, and like most good poetry I'm reading my own personality into them!
1st: The Spiritual Interpretation:
I think the poem is about Satan. (Work with me here). I think it is about how Satan can look like he is God. Here are some points that make me think this from your poem. "He pursued her with tidal-persistence,
insistent", "With a billow and surge of excitement
she risked the undertow", at the start she seems like she's in over her head but there is an enticement to it something that draws her. I think there is definitely something about following God where we are in over our heads. But then in the end it all changes, things go wrong the kindness is gone, and the truth is revealed and the girl in the poem is drowned despite friends best efforts to save her. It all starts out so exciting, the wooer is beautiful and mysterious and seems good. And I think that's alot how satan works, he makes himself seem good, and makes us question God. And in the end.. well " She was too far out,
too far down.".
2) The relational interpretation
Clearly this could also represent a girl/boy relationship, exciting boy, ends up ruining girls life.. (the same old song and dance).
Lines I loved:
"Her sea-glass heart,
deep green and cobalt blue,
was worn down by his waves, but
still, she had oceans of hope
and bottlenose dreams."
That's sweet, I was literally picturing a symbolic heart with waves rushing over and tantilizing the girl. Awesome!
Lines I wondered about:
"The taste of salty tears
on sun burnt cheeks."
Maybe a little cliche,
I don't think the term salty tears fits in with the rest of the poem, it seems pretty banal. I love the image of a foresight of the danger that is coming but is there a better way to create this subtle tension?
anyhow.. I liked your poem alot! Great work Maria!!
10:07 AM
Thanks Mike. Very helpful haha. I will dedicate it to Josh...
Thanks Andrew, that's great and really helps me a lot. When I see how people read it it helps me to know what I need to tweak to take them where I'm wanting the poem to go. Thanks for taking the time!!
11:12 AM
I know nothing about poetry.
But i liked it, your very graceful and use your words well.
3:05 AM
Maria! This is a very beautiful poem! The water symbolism throughout the whole thing really just provided strong imagery. Thanks for letting us read it!
As far as some feedback goes, I am no poet, or creative writing expert, but I'll at least give a few comments. This is purely a grammar question--but maybe the first "She" in the second stanza shouldn't be capitalized? You don't seem to capitalize that kind of thing anywhere else.
There was just one little line that I thought could be changed (keep in mind my lack of expertise and that I'm looking for something to change) in this part:
She was swallowing words,
choking on pain, and
losing breath,
being pulled.
I thought the line "losing breath" was the only one that didn't fully fit. The rest of them had a literal relationship meaning as well as fitting with the undertow theme, while the idea of "losing breath", though I understand the meaning to be trapped without an escape, it doesn't have the same literal meanings as the rest of that stanza.
What I really liked about this poem, was the idea that it was from the perspective of the girl's sisters and mother. It's pretty sad actually, the picture of someone drowning in a relationship, but their family can't save them, I guess it's something we see often.
This was a great poem Maria, I really liked it!!
10:14 AM
Thanks guys. I know I'm asking a lot since most of you probably don't think about poetry on a daily basis. :)
Thanks Nathan. That's encouraging. I think a good part of writing is spent feeling like your a hopeless mess...so thanks.
Bethany, those are great comments. I think your right. "losing breath" is not as strong an image. I'm glad you noted the subtitle because I did want that to be a focus. Thanks so very much!
11:25 AM
hey Maria, I like the poem. and like the other guy, I have no idea about poetry so I couldn't really help you out with any deep meenings I fealt or some kind of "smart comment" on how to make it perfect... but I liked it and the water symbolism did give me a really good picture of where I was.
Tyler
4:17 PM
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