Live for Yourself or Endless Ramblings: Part One

There are two things everybody has to do for themselves. They have to go to God, and they have to find out about living for themselves.

I read this sentence in my first year of university in the novel Their Eyes were Watching God. (This is a rough paraphrase, since the entire book is written in dialect.) At the time this seemed to be completely true, and also a complete paradox. Today it still seems that way to me. How can such a simple statement summarize exactly what I believe about life, and also stand in complete contradiction? I find it very hard to bring these two things together, and yet somehow I believe that they are both essential. A person needs to bring themselves fully before God, and learn to live for themselves. But I'm still thinking through this.

I suppose the immediate response of most Christians to the statement we have to learn to live for ourselves would probably be: But aren't we supposed to live for God? Of course. I certainly believe that a relationship with God is what makes a person complete.

I'm reading Milton's Paradise Lost right now. It's such a weird dynamic listening to an agnostic (and hilariously cynical) professor talk about the characters and plot of a book that embodies so much of the theology of redemption and grace. It's bizarre to displace yourself from the religion, and examine the book as literature. It's so weird talking about this God and this Jesus, who are just characters in a book, and writing papers about whether I think they are "boring."

Part of this weird dynamic is having the professor say truly profound things, but just referring to them in the context of the book. The other day we were examining the fall of Satan, and the professor described Satan as melancholy. The difference between mourning and being melancholy is the inability to understand what is causing your grief. Therefore, we mourn for a time, but our whole lives can be consumed by a melancholy that cannot be placed. The professor said that Satan is melancholy because he has fallen from the presence of God. Then she said, "Without that relationship there is a constant state of loss, even when they do not know what they are grieving." I'd have to agree with this, even if she doesn't.

Therefore, when talking about living for yourself, I am not talking about living apart from God, or in any way ignoring the most important and consistent relationship you can ever have. By all means! If God tells you to do something, you better flipping do it.

However, I don't believe that God necessarily has a special plan for my life. I don't believe that God has created a connect-the-dot life that I must follow. I don't think I need to tip-toe along in the hope that I won't step off the line and forever miss the life that God wanted for me. Where is the grace or freedom in that? I'd rather imagine that God walks with each of us, giving us the wisdom and means to journey through life. Its like he's passed us the brush and the paint to make our lives a piece of art that he will love. I like to hope that my life would surprise God, if that were possible. That it would put a smile on his face. That it could be something he'd step back at the end, just to look at it and enjoy.

For me, this freedom to choose one's life is where living for yourself comes in. I know, now your thinking. No, Maria, you are supposed to live for others. Isn't that what being a Christian is about? Maybe.

I'll continue to think, and write.