Clarity? The more we know, the less we understand.

A continuation of previous thoughts:

Folks, I think this is going to go on for awhile. (The more we know, the less we understand.) This may be worrisome to many people, questioning, uncertainty. But right now, it feels pretty darn good. (As good as it can.) Someone once said, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness." These days, I feel famished, and blessed.

I was studying for History of Christianity in the Dana Porter library on Tuesday (in my cubicle, on the sixth floor.) I loved it. I read and read. (I accidentally read right through my Criticism class I was supposed to go to.) Then I wrote the midterm, and did pretty darn good. But the point is, I wanted to learn about the church. I wanted to know about all these complicated issues, I stopped feeling threatened by them.

All of a sudden it was like, "Alright. Let's do this. Bring it on." I don't want to hold onto anything that I shouldn't. I want to release everything, and pick up the pieces of truth that I should hold onto. Letting go is scary, but I think its freeing too.

People with an agenda can't grow. When you want everything you learn to bring you to a certain conclusion, are you really listening at all?

Example: A girl in my history of Christianity class. We'll call her, "Da Vinci Code girl." Its funny, and sad all at the same time, but I think this girl has come to learn about Christianity to prove that Dan Brown was right. The Gnostics affirmed the "sacred feminine" and that the church is hiding the truth about goddess worship and the freedom of pagan sex rituals. (Ok. I'm exaggerating...but barely.) It's so ridiculous that someone is basing her understanding of life on a novel that has been proven to be factually incorrect. (But it happens.)

This girl did two things for me: annoyed me to pieces, and let me see myself. She absolutely blew my mind with her ignorance. (This is not her fault) Still, it's so frustrating, as a Christian, to have people around you think they have your religion figured out, but in reality they know next to nothing about it. What they have learned has come from cheesy television, twisted news stories and bad childhood experiences.

"Da Vinci Code girl" asks, "Do you think these female deacons that Paul mentioned could have been Jesus other lovers?" She smirks whenever she thinks she has learned something that will prove her theories, and basically ignores evidence that would take her in another direction entirely, evidence that suggests that perhaps things aren't as black and white as she had hoped.

When I stopped wanting to throw my desk across the room, I paused long enough to learn something. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to hold on so tightly to everything I think I know that it is impossible for me to learn something, maybe even something God really wants to teach me.

I don't think that God needs to be defended. The only thing that will fall apart in light of Christian history are things that have been manipulated by people or culture, for political or personal reasons, intentionally or not. I guess it’s not too bad if these things crumble under the pressure.

I went out for coffee with Sarah Kivell today, and she said something interesting. She said it is probably easier to think the Bible or the church and tradition just sort of fell from heaven one day because that gives us some sense of control. It makes Christianity neat and tidy, and thus we feel like we have more of a handle on it. When we really engage the history of Christianity, the canonizing of the Bible, the philosophers that shaped our understanding of Jesus and the Bible, things get more complicated.

Then it’s scary that things that I've taken granted for my entire life may actually be so culturally driven, that they are peripheral to who God really is. But shouldn't I welcome that? The only reason I'd hold onto these things is my own comfort. Knowing and understanding God is far from comfortable. (But won't the truth set me free?)

Next Post: What Eastern Christianity is starting to make me think about.